Living in my Dream

Growing up homeless didn’t present itself with many opportunities. Everything I strived to do was a struggle. Even this. It took me leaving my husband of eight years to finally live my dream and attend college for the Culinary Arts. To my husband this wasn’t a real career. No this was a hobby and something that was my duty at home. He insisted I went to school for Accounting and Real Estate…..but that wasn’t where my heart was. I grew up taking what I could get, so this is what I took as an adult. Things have changed.

Being at the youthful age of seventeen, I happily married my husband. I wanted to do everything for him, I wanted to be pleasing and obedient, yes, I said it, obedient. And I was. Eight years later I found myself sitting in a stuffy office, stressing out over numbers. I dreaded going to work every day, so badly, that when I woke up in the morning, my body would be shaking from nervousness. My job eventually drove me over the edge. I went to the hospital and got treatment I so desperately needed. I spoke with therapists, three of them. They agreed my work had affected me very much. It turns out that after years of doing work I hated, I became severely depressed. Just waking up to go to work had triggered intense anxiety. It was not good for me to continue working in that profession any longer. I hated it! After soul searching and therapy, I realized I had put all my desires and dreams on the back burner to please someone who wasn’t interested in pleasing me. I touched that reality of who I could really be! The dream I had still lived on and my spirit was dead to living any other way. I knew I had to be true to myself!

I still held on to the memories of a more beautiful time, in my very distressed world. In my very early years is where my fondest memories of the kitchen began. I still remember being in my aunts’ kitchen…….she is a wonderful cook. She was the caretaker of all of us. The only stable person in the whole of our family. Having four boys of her own, she was always on the move, especially in the kitchen. I still remember the sound of the running water as she washed the vegetables and the sound of the knife as it ran through them on the cutting board. I remember the smell of the onions as they cooked in the butter, the delicious aroma of her homemade sauces. Since my childhood I have viewed this gift in the kitchen as a way to show your love, tenderness and caring of other people. It is a way to be compassionate, nurturing and pleasing to even the strangest of strangers. My husband always appreciated my gift and talent. He loved taking his so called “gourmet” dinner to work with him and sharing with everyone. All his buddies at work told him the same thing, not realizing my real dream, “Your wife needs to go to Culinary School, this is great!”. That brought him so much pride, but he never really understood that this was a respectable profession, something that would make me happy. No, this was my duty at home. Not a real job, not something I can do outside of the home. He wanted a business woman, an Accountant as a wife. So that is what I did. After my break down, he continued with looking for another accounting position, not respecting my needs. Not allowing me to live out my dream.

After eight years, three children, and two degrees between both of us, I left, and enrolled in school. The hardest thing I have ever done……..and now I am here asking for your help. I was so blessed, that the military moved us out here, because this is where the cream of the crop for the culinary arts is. This is where I wanted to be. I know my husband will come around I know eventually he will support me. As for now, I am alone, please be there for me. Help me live the dream.