There was a certain man who, upon dying, was taken into heaven, & at the pearly gates, he was brought to stand before St. Peter, who took account of the things the man had done during his lifetime. “Let’s see,” said the guard angel as he looked at a long list of deeds, scrutinizing each item that he read. “Hmm, you have an extensive resume here...You were the first man to adopt an African-American child in your home state, you adopted several other children of different backgrounds, you aided the homeless & the destitute, you fed the starving, you helped to integrate a wide variety of establishments, you fought for social & racial equality...” The good deeds seemed to stretch on forever, & it was quite some time before St. Peter finally got to the part of the list that focused on the bad things that the man had done.
“Oh, but what’s this?” St. Peter said when he saw the first item in the “bad” section, & when he had read the rest of that portion, he looked up at the man standing before him, then summed up the worst of what he had read in the list of negative actions: “Physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, adultery, taking the Lord’s name in vain, lying, & murder?” St. Peter couldn’t help but shake his head a little, clicking his tongue as he did so, before telling the man, “Well, there’s only one thing we can do with guys like you...”
“And what would that be?” asked the man, looking quite nervous when he realized the implications of that statement.
The man soon got his answer when St. Peter took ahold of him by the shoulders, &—with one mighty tug—split him apart in two! The first of these newly-formed “twins” was soon given a pair of angel wings, a halo, & a nice set of robes that were very much like the ones he wore when he practiced his old occupation. The second “twin”, on the other hand, wore the same thing he had been wearing when he came to heaven—a casual summer shirt, khaki trousers, & a pair of walking shoes. Both of the “twins” wore a trendy pair of sunglasses perched upon their noses; other than that, you could hardly tell that these two separate souls had once lived in the same body!
“Welcome to the kingdom of heaven,” St. Peter said with a smile as he escorted the robe-clad spirit through the pearly gates. “Enjoy your stay in the afterlife!” After watching the newest arrival make his exit, St. Peter then turned to look at the spirit in the shirt & trousers...&, now, his expression was not so pleasant. “As for you,” St. Peter said sternly, “I know a certain fellow who would greatly enjoy your company!”
No sooner did St. Peter say this, than the man suddenly found himself falling down, down, down, until he got deep underground—& even further than that!—before finally landing on something that felt very much like a floor. After rubbing his sore bottom, the man got up...& soon began looking around with wide eyes of fright, startled to find himself in a land filled with blazing flames. The man could hardly believe where he was! “What’s going on?” the man blurted out fearfully. “Where the hell am I?!”
“Funny you should mention ‘hell’,” quipped a strange red figure in a suave voice, as he approached the man who had just entered his presence. “I was just about to welcome you there!”
When he saw the red figure for the first time, the man became even more terrified than he was a few seconds earlier. “Wha—Who are you?!”
“Oh, I go by many names,” said the red figure, his smile & tone-of-voice becoming increasingly ominous. “Samael, Ol’ Nick, Lucifer...but you can just call me Satan!”
As soon as he heard this, the man turned pale from the terror consuming him...before gradually breaking into a cold sweat. He began to breathe heavily, & started fanning himself with frantic waves of his hands. “J— C—, it is hot in this place!”
“Well, we’re in hell,” said Satan, unable to resist from smirking. “What did you expect?”
“No, I mean it is really unbearably hot!” the man complained, loosening his shirt a little—not that it did anything to relieve his agony. “Aw, s—, s—, s—, I can’t take this f— heat! This is even worse than the heat I endured in Guyana!”
“Don’t worry,” said Satan with a teasing grin, as he walked away. “You’ll get used to it...”
All alone in his suffering, the man ranted, raved, & let out steady streams of obscenities as he paced to & fro in great agitation. “G—damn, how am I ever going to get used to this?!” he moaned. “If I weren’t doomed to be stuck here for the rest of my life—er, afterlife—I would do anything to get out of here!”
Just as soon as the man said this, the roof of hell opened to let in a view of that great big paradise in the sky. The spirit in robes had just stumbled across the souls of his late wife, children, mother, & large assortment of friends—a veritable rainbow congregation of men, women, & children of all races & ages—& they were all having a happy reunion together. As he witnessed this, the spirit in hell couldn’t help but glare in absolute envy; his other half was a man.
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