Effects of Divorce on Children

Introduction

Intimate relationships didn’t last that long. This is not a fairy tale and the illusion for the “happy-ever-after” ending is difficult to catch. For most of the times, the issue of divorce is not resting in somewhere else. No matter how hard the couples tried to stick with the company of each other, when the love and trust between them is gone, their relationship will result in a total destruction. The decision of the parents will affect their off springs, especially when they decided to take desperate measures, divorce. The victim of a broken marriage is always their children. The burden will always be on their children’s shoulder and it’s hard to carry through in their entire life. They will always remember the bitterness happened in their family and they might be afraid to build a family of their own.

Why Divorce?

Divorce or dissolution of marriage is the final termination of a marriage, canceling the legal duties and responsibilities of marriage and dissolving the bonds of matrimony between two persons. In most countries, divorce requires the sanction of a judge or other authority in a legal process to complete a divorce. The legal process for divorce may also involve issues of spousal support, child custody, child support, distribution of property and division of debt, though these matters are usually only ancillary or consequential to the dissolution of the marriage. Although there are still many countries that are against the divorce and uses annulment instead.

Effects on Children

What if they both leave me?

What is it that I did wrong?

Did I cause the divorce?

Now what's going to happen to me?

Children of divorced parents (those entirely from unhappy families) are reported to have a higher chance of behavioral problems than those of non-divorced parents (a mix of happy and unhappy families). Studies have also reported the former to be more likely to suffer abuse than children in intact families, and to have a greater chance of living in poverty. In fact, there is a self-report study about the positive effects of an adult who had a divorced family, and saying that the once innocent child became a good parent because of tracking down the main cause of the break-up and doing their best in avoiding divorce as a solution.

Although there are many positive things that can result from the broken family, it cannot cover-up the bad things already done. For the past years, divorce for some is just like a simple changing of clothes. They will throw away the worn out clothes and find someone new. But those parents did not consider the feelings of their children. And yes, there are feelings that can’t be pushed to the limits, for some enough is enough. We can’t take for granted the battered wife for it’s also her right to draw the line, but we can’t always assume that the kids will understand everything in just a snap. Things have to be explained to them over and over until they reach the age of having their own family.

Initial Reactions of Children to Divorce:

The pain experienced by children at the beginning of a divorce is composed of: a sense of vulnerability as the family disintegrates, a grief reaction to the loss of the intact family (many children do not realize their parents’ marriage is troubled), loss of the non-custodial parent, a feeling of intense anger as the disruption of the family, and strong feelings of powerlessness. Unlike bereavement or other stressful events, it is almost unique to divorcing families that as children experience the onset of this life change, usual and customary support systems tend to dissolve, though the ignorance or unwillingness of adults to actively seek out this support for children.

The Reactions of Children in Different Group Age

Preschool (ages 3-5): These children are likely to exhibit a regression of the most recent developmental milestone achieved. Additionally, sleep disturbances and an exacerbated fear of separation from the custodial parent are common. There is usually a great deal of yearning for the non-custodial parent.

Early latency (ages 6½-8): These children will often openly grieve for the departed parent. There is a noted preoccupation with fantasies that distinguishes the reactions of this age group. Children have replacement fantasies, or fantasies that their parents will happily reunite in the not-so-distant future. Children in this developmental stage have an especially difficult time with the concept of the permanence of the divorce.

Late latency (ages 8-11): Anger and a feeling of powerlessness are the predominate emotional response in this age group. Like the other developmental stages, these children experience a grief reaction to the loss of their previously intact family. There is a greater tendency to label a ‘good’ parent and a ‘bad’ parent and these children are very susceptible to attempting to take care of a parent at the expense of their own needs.

Adolescence (ages 12-18): Adolescents are prone to responding to their parent’s divorce with acute depression, suicidal ideation, and sometimes violent acting out episodes. These children tend to focus on the moral issues surrounding divorce and will often judge their parents’ decisions and actions. Many adolescents become anxious and fearful about their own future love and marital relationships. However, this age group has the capability to perceive integrity in the post-divorce relationship of their parents and to show compassion for their parents without neglecting their own needs. The most frequent delayed onset negative consequences center around anxieties and fear of the child that s/he will repeat the failed marital or love relationship that the child observed during the divorce.

The study show, what are the effects of divorce on children that still have young minds. The parent has to take care of his/her child away from the harsh surroundings and mean kids that will hint the child with mocking words. But how much a parent tries to protect his child, they can’t always assure that their child is really okay. A child is often timid, and he often became vocals on what he feels but he can definitely hide the pain the child bears inside for the reason, that he doesn’t want you to get worry.

Uncontrollable Bad Effects:

Divorce can produce bad effects that cannot be controlled. Money, or lack of it, becomes a problem. Child support payments and financial assistance place a monetary strain on one or both parents, which directly affects the children. In some instances, one of the parents may have to relocate. This brings with it a new set of problems; children having to adjust to a new school, friends, and environment.

Feelings:

L The children worry that their parents don't love them anymore and they feel abandoned. They feel like the parent who left has divorced them too.

L They feel powerless and helpless because they can't get their parents back together. They can't speed up or slow down the process.

L They feel angry although they may not express their anger.

L They often feel they are at fault. They may believe something they did or said caused a parent to leave.

L They grieve. Divorce is a loss in the lives of children and parents. They experience a grieving process very similar to mourning a death.

L They experience conflicts of loyalty.

If a parent wants to avoid this kind of casualties, he/ she must make sure that a child is never loved. Try to tell the child how much you love him and do not prevent your child if he wants to go out with your ex-spouse. Parents must admit it; they can’t always get what their children are longing for. Finding another lover is not a good solution, for some time, the child is still longing for his true father/mother.

Behaviors

The children’s behavior ranges from very mild behavior, such as difficulty sleeping, to extremely destructive behavior, such as suicide, drug abuse, or violence. Other behaviors may include problems in school, nervous habits, repetitive physical behaviors, and regressive behaviors such as bed-wetting, fears, and use of comfort items. Children may become clingy and whiny and they may need greater understanding of their moods and behavior. They have a greater need to be nurtured. They may think they have to "take care" of their parents. Giving up one's childhood to care for emotionally troubled parents is a widespread characteristic in children of divorce.

Children who lived in homes with their mother and her boyfriend were 73 times more likely to suffer fatal abuse than children who lived with married biological parents. In contrast, it is the rare child today who does not have a number of friends whose parents have divorced. With so many of their peers living in homes touched by divorce, their faith in the permanence of their own family homes is rendered less secure. A teenager is different in an ordinary child. If the separation happened in his adolescence stage, the facts changed. Some teenagers are always wanted to have a complete family, and they are against the divorcing issue. It usually turns them to be a rebel just to hear their voice in the family. For they think, by doing that, they can save their parents’ marriage.

Conclusion

Divorce is a major issue for everyone who finds trouble inside their family. Even the Late Princess Diana is not an exception for this. She always wants to protect the young princes for the sudden decision of divorce. Their family is the major highlight of intrigues before and yet now, the young princes able to fight the grim past of their broken family. The consequences of divorce impact almost all aspects of a child’s life, including the parent-child relationship, emotions and behavior, psychological development, and coping skills. There is a significant need for child mental health professionals, along with other child specialists, to be cognizant of the broad spectrum of possible fall-out from a divorce and then to provide sufficient support for children of divorced parents in all the necessary psychosocial aspects of the child’s life.

The most important question is not whether children from divorced families are having difficulties, but what particular factors cause these differences. Current evidence suggests that the loss of contact with parents, economic difficulties, stress, parental adjustment and competence, and inter-parental conflict all contribute at least to some degree to the difficulties of children. Some new findings shift our attention from major problems to milder but important long-term painful memories and feelings of helplessness. These feelings can continue well into young adulthood which reminds us that there are many things we can do to help children.

For another chance, the parents must try to get their business in a simple talk. Sometimes, divorced happened because of a simple misunderstandings and they must try to look on ht other perspective of their issue. A family needs a mother and a father, and if one of them is lost, the children find themselves in a dark-shrouded place. But if the parents can’t really save their family, they must at least seek for a professional help. Parents must ask for a marriage counselor first before having the next move. The parents should not think that having a professional advice is embarrassing because they are only saving their future marriage as well as their children.

If the professional help did not able to solve their problem especially when it is beyond the control, like being a battered wife, then they must do what their minds tell them so. For the final decision are still in the parents. If they want to have a divorce then they should do it legally. They must respect the boundaries of each other, but the hardest issue to contemplate here is to whom their children will go. For many cases like this, a legal custody often goes to the mother but if a mother is incapacitated to take care of their children, then the custody will be shifted on the father. But the point here is not the custody of a child, it is the child himself.

References:

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Wetzstein, C., (1997) 2 Studies Concur on Adverse Impact of Divorce on Kids: Abuse Found to Soar in Broken Homes, The Washington Times.